Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in harmonica's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
11:51 am	you never know what the right choice is in life until you make one and see where it takes you (Comment on this)
12:48 am	everything i've known for the past year is crashing down around me. my head is spinning and vomit is churning deep inside my gut. have i lost it? have i lost everything that i've been yearning for? is this the end? what, exactly, is it? when you back a wild animal into a corner it fights back with all it has. it bares it's teeth and it's old battle scars become inflamed by the conviction of the antagonist. when a man is backed into a corner, degraded, and shat upon he explodes. the only difference is the man has control and doesn't kill to survive. the mother bear backed the man into the corner and the man lived to tell the tale. i may have made it out with my heart beating but i may be dead. numb, cold, and black. my only defense was myself, a fleshy, penetrable, fallible shield. "his clothes are dirty but his hands are clean. and your the best thing he's ever seen" and now i play solitaire. so melancholy. horribly pitiful. it seems the only games i win are the ones i play alone. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
2:58 am	sir do you have a gun? excuse me sir, do you have gun? i think he has a gun. sir, what is that? is that a gun? does that look like a gun? do you think it's a gun? i think it looks like a gun. excuse me sir. sir, excuse me. is that a gun? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
3:40 am	you're just a poor, washed up papa's boy. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 12th, 2004
3:20 am	an old chinese proverb a real man smokes cigarettes and thwarts evil with a gun of unlimited ammunition. a real man gets the girl in the end, fucks her then leaves her, because a real man only needs sex. a real man will lay dying in the freezing tundra and eat his own innards to survive. a real man is not a man at all but a figment of our imaginations. a real man sits in front of his computer screen and masturbates fervently to photos of girls just out of highschool who only know how to look pretty and wait for the money shot. a real man smokes cigarettes, coughs, then holds up a liquor store with a knife to his baby's throat. a real man is not a man at all but a figment of our imaginations. a real man sits up late at night listening to Bach and wondering what it is to be a real man. a real man yearns for ambition, yet his only ambition is trying to find ambition. a real man cannot sleep at night because he does not understand the purpose of the day. a real man is the embodiment of confusion and frustration,and love. a real man is not a man at all but a figment of our imaginations. i need to sleep. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 8th, 2004
1:35 am	HEAR YE HEAR YE Listen up folks i need a little help. I am in need of some people to be in a short film I want to make. Mostly i just need a guy and a girl, and well other people for one scene. And I also need to use an 8mm camera so the movie isn't all that sucky home video shit. It's a sad story but I really want to make it and get moving on with some sort of ambitious movement in life other than sitting around all day or working 3 hours a week at gamestop. It's just a little something I wrote tonight and it's not too long at all, but yeah, you have to start somewhere. I also need people who know something or other about editing, or cutting a song into a movie and things of that sort. If you're seriously interested, please let me know. Thanks, Ken (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 24th, 2004
12:59 am	birthdays and phone calls. death born through the wire. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
2:46 pm	am i translucent? am i easily forgotten? or do i even exist? the acquaintance. the one chosen to deal with the suffering for other men's sins. strength acquires solitude and despair. you make me angry. you make me bitter. And you don't fucking care. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 27th, 2004
12:43 am	unintelligible babble when asked to disperse, disperse without questions asked. when asked where you're headed, answer completely yet abruptly. when faced with life and death, weigh out the pros and cons and make the choice, the bullet can be your liberation or you damnation. god lives high in the clouds in a fortress of snow, ice, and shit. he looks down on the world, his son at his right, his admirers at his feet. it reeks of filth, despair, and longing. heaven is a hole, hell is a heater. magic, let's talk about magic. illustrious beautious magic. the things fairy tales and rape are made of. the ego of magic, the decaying, crumbling minds of men who believe they can preform magic. the kings of men, the demigods of society. magic derived from planetary alignments. the weather change because of the mood of saturn or mercury. surely not explained by the scientific pulls of the planets, it is the god, the symbol, the bearer and protector of this planet's wraith or good graces. it's magic right? isn't it magic, surely not science or nature, it's magic. what is magic? it's a god, it's a tapping into god. men who believe in magic believe they are in touch with god. their god hailing from that great jubiliant fantasy place earlier described. the egomaniac on his trip of self righteousness believes that the powers can be tapped for his will. his will, man's will. the corrupted chewy greedy center of the modern man is his need for personal gain. only those with an ego want this gain, because it's an "enlightening" moment. the mental breakdown ensues, the magician becomes a criminal. sane men trend ground here in interest, the insane as shepards, as lifers, as preachers. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
4:50 pm	tragedy and grief the world has taken a rather large blow within the past 24 hours. during the sleeping twilight hours of the night, the world lost one of it's greatest creatures and personalities ever. bird died last night while i slept. he fell from his stoop and onto his back, laying like a fallen branch, stiff, lifeless. i returned from work today at around 1 oclock to find bird in this position. i was struck with grief and despair. bird was afterall much more than a bird. he was a gift. he was a symbol and a jogger of memories. he was a blue and white bird, but most importantly he was my friend (dramatic personification). bird sits now in his almost final resting place. he rests in a crumpling, collapsing coffin of brown paper bag awaiting his arrival, and return to the earth. what an awkward turn of events. how strange. oh the cruel fist of irony and my swollen lips. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
5:20 pm	as of late the world looks like one of those paintings done with small dots, beautiful yet incomplete. that's just something i was thinking about and wanted to write down, but i'd lose the piece of paper if i wrote it out like that. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 30th, 2004
2:04 am	alright folks, take me away, whisk me away. make me feel something other than this. the new bottom, i can't fucking climb out of this one. i suppose i need my mind to be diverted. FUCK. that's all i can say, that's the only word that i can think of. fuck it, i've been bent over more times than i can remember. this time it was more of a shotgun fuck and i'm dead on the inside. a soup that floats as i walk, snapped artories like fire hoses, and a dead hollowed carcass of a heart. but i'm mad at myself, i'm mad at situations, i don't hate anyone. i'm mad and angry with myself for being susceptible to such common pains which never built up to such excruciation before. there will be no regression, there will be no old ways. there will only be a gaining of knowledge, just more understanding and time for questions. questions that really mean nothing to me now, but offer up a way to become occupied. occupied with the humdrum habits of everybody's life, every detail, every situation of inhumanity, and every situation of love. but the world will be in grays, the color's gone. i'd prefer to be blind, oedipus. i just want to hit this fucking capslock bar and write all profrane things i know. i want to get out of this place. i want to forget and nullify my body, fell nothing other than solid and liquid. but i'm just going on now, because i don't want to stop. i just don't want to. i said i was no poet and this was a feeble attempt of poetic expression. alas i need to heal, and think with my mind straight. to lie in bed, eyes asleep but mind wide awake. there is much to feel and much to love. ones mind should never wander tward hate. for love did come, it was not lost just taken now by fate. love's not lost, it waits aside to rise once more one day. i suppose i can't lose sight of what's my life. i remember who i am, what i want and i shouldn't hang my head in shame. i act like a fool when i rant and rave without thinking first. we're not to blame, it's not our fault. as e.e. cummings said, "...life's not a paragraph." forget all the structure that you believe should come because that's no more than false optimistic hope. don't look for structure at all and then you will find happiness, you will be ready for life once you've realized it's unpredictability. who would it be fair to if i were to unjustifiably change who i am? this is an apology not for any real wrong doing but for a sense of stubbornness, and immaturity. haha i'm not bipolar, sometimes i'm just too quick tongued, or in the case of writing, too quick handed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 29th, 2004
12:25 pm	since feeling is first who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you; wholly to be a fool while Spring is in the world my blood approves, and kisses are a better fate than wisdom lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry -the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter which says we are for each other: then laugh, leaning back in my arms for life's not a paragraph And death i think no parenthesis e.e. cummings i couldn't say it any better. i couldn't have expressed such things like that, but it doesn't matter anyhow. to some people life is a paragraph, structured, organized, formulaic. i won't let it get me in such a way, i prefer my heart to all organs. the conscience heart, the heart which exists in the chest but would feel nothing without the mind. i've become translucent, there's not much of a reflection. (Comment on this)
12:09 am	i wish i was a poet so i could write the perfect sonnet. one to captivate and heal. to ease the minds and calm the spirits. words to assure and comfort. but i'm not a poet and i can't do these things. a lost traveler at best. sometimes the traveler's destination eludes him and it's gone forever. sometimes the travel finds the road again.
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
11:30 pm	sigh I'll drown my beliefs To have you be in peace I'll dress like your niece To wash your swollen feet Just don't leave Don't leave I'm not living I'm just killing time Your tiny hands Your crazy kitten smile Just don't leave Don't leave And true love waits In haunted attics And true love lives On lollipops and crisps Just don't leave Don't leave Just don't leave Don't leave (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 5th, 2004
8:23 pm	drastic times call for drastic measures hello friends and colleagues, it's me, your finanicially fucked friend. this here is a calling, a calling of donations for the most worthy of causes. "what for?" you ask. well maybe that's not important. what's important is to obtain this needed item, this bargain of an item, this $78.99 item. brothers, sisters, children of the world think of how much you will have helped, even if it be for just one man, to show that one man appreciation, love, and humanity would surely make the world a better place. a lesson could be learned by all men due to your actions. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
1:03 pm	so i suppose the question is, if you had a hammer would you make something or destroy something? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 19th, 2004
4:47 pm	whoever you are, i love and admire your great work FeelMeUpFaggot: whats up faggot aDeadChildsDream: not too much my queer friend aDeadChildsDream: who's this? FeelMeUpFaggot: some kid that thinks your a fag aDeadChildsDream: that's great, could i get a name? FeelMeUpFaggot: and youre a dickhead FeelMeUpFaggot: i hear you bring girls to your house and try tohave sex with them aDeadChildsDream: well if that's what you hear, i couldn't be a faggot now could i FeelMeUpFaggot: ya you can FeelMeUpFaggot: cuz you can be bi dumbass aDeadChildsDream: that's not a faggot aDeadChildsDream: that's a bisexual person aDeadChildsDream: faggots just nail guys FeelMeUpFaggot: still like guys FeelMeUpFaggot: whatever you probably do it to make it seem like youre not gay aDeadChildsDream: did you im me in hopes of me feeling you up? FeelMeUpFaggot: mabe aDeadChildsDream: seeing as that i'm a faggot and your name implies you want to be touched by such people FeelMeUpFaggot: ui hear you have a big cack aDeadChildsDream: maybe i will be a faggot, in your case...are you hot stuff? FeelMeUpFaggot: ya i think so aDeadChildsDream: alright then FeelMeUpFaggot: so can i see your dick man aDeadChildsDream: well i'd need to get to you know you a little better FeelMeUpFaggot: thats gay aDeadChildsDream: looks like you've trapped me aDeadChildsDream: shucks FeelMeUpFaggot: youre no fun aDeadChildsDream: i'm sorry FeelMeUpFaggot: and dont be too conceaded cuz youhave a big dick and youre cute aDeadChildsDream: hahaha, i'm not conceded FeelMeUpFaggot: yeah you def. are FeelMeUpFaggot: i know you FeelMeUpFaggot: i hung out with you FeelMeUpFaggot: you live in dracut or lowell FeelMeUpFaggot: your house is white aDeadChildsDream: i do, but i'm surely not conceded aDeadChildsDream: it is FeelMeUpFaggot: you haev 2 dogs i believe aDeadChildsDream: yeah aDeadChildsDream: sheeba and gizmo are their names FeelMeUpFaggot: you take your shoes off when you walk in aDeadChildsDream: don't want to dirty the carpet FeelMeUpFaggot: yup aDeadChildsDream: it's the parent's house, sometimes you have to live by house rules FeelMeUpFaggot: i guess FeelMeUpFaggot: i think its cute aDeadChildsDream: but i appreciate the compliments on being cute and whatnot FeelMeUpFaggot: but i still dont ike you aDeadChildsDream: you don't have to like me FeelMeUpFaggot: i dont FeelMeUpFaggot: you think you know everything aDeadChildsDream: you just called me cute FeelMeUpFaggot: so aDeadChildsDream: i was just proving my point FeelMeUpFaggot: ok whatevr aDeadChildsDream: i don't want my new friend to be contradictory FeelMeUpFaggot: but you need to stop thinking you know everything aDeadChildsDream: i don't think i know everything at all FeelMeUpFaggot: yeah you def. do aDeadChildsDream: i know somethings, for example, i don't know you FeelMeUpFaggot: and you always have something to say FeelMeUpFaggot: and whatever you say is like the answer no matter what aDeadChildsDream: i do always have something to say, i like to speak my mind, but it doesn't mean i'm right aDeadChildsDream: and i know that FeelMeUpFaggot: you fight with people til you get the last word aDeadChildsDream: that's just for fun, it gets a rise out of people aDeadChildsDream: if someone's really getting into something it's fun to play around a little aDeadChildsDream: take everything with a grain of salt FeelMeUpFaggot: ya whatever FeelMeUpFaggot: why dont you let people talk for once aDeadChildsDream: i'm letting you talk FeelMeUpFaggot: well youre a piece of shit aDeadChildsDream: ok (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
12:23 am	i don't rightly know what to write on this thing anymore now that i've nothing to really bitch about other than things that would bore people more than the old stuff, but alas here i am. so a birthday bash friday i hear, i'm there, i'll be wearing my best beard and scraggily hair. i'm currently looking for an apartment with my buddy Declan right, aka The Dr, but because i'm looking for an apartment it also means i'm looking for a job. what's become of me? school, apartments, jobs, a girlfriend...looks like i'm growing up. shit man, how uncharacteristic. i've nothing to say right now in my boredom, sleep isn't coming right yet so i decided to speak of nothing here. i'm going to go lay in bed now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
2:25 pm	finding out your whole life was a lie, your hero was nothing more than a dirty piece of shit bastard, that there was no innocence and purity in but just cheap tricks is probably the most burdening thing that could happen in one's life. i've come far and lived hard in 19 years but not a thing in the world could have prepared me for this past saturday. i would've killed if i had not been stopped but instead i left my imprints on a wall. these are strange times, weird days i tell you. but, i have found love and it makes my times of pain and confusion much easier. in fact she is the only thing that helps me to keep any composure and it strikes me as odd that i can find any place of comfort right now. i can still smile, i can still have fun, i can still live, but it's all very different now. i suppose this entry is of love and loss in the new year. not loss by physical death, but death nonetheless. it's so very peculiar. such great loss and such great gain, but the loss is a loss of 19 years. it's a loss of all respect for someone, a loss of my youth, of everything i've ever known until that day. on that front i have to start all over again. you see though, it's not me to worry about, it's my family. i consider myself to be a strong person with a good head on my shoulders, but all of the others, aside from my dad, are on the edge; they're all about to snap. me and my father alone can't carry the burden of 10s of people. we're not saviours we're just common men with large shoulders, but as i've said before, i'm only 19 and this is all far too much for me because i've grown sick of such situations. don't get me wrong kids, this isn't me complaining or bitching about anything. this is just me keeping my friends updated even though it's rather vague. i do apologize for that vagueness but i'm really not at liberty to say what has happened. although i am terribly hurt and sad, i'm also the best man i've ever been in my life, because of this situation and because of the love i spoke of earlier. with that all said, i'm done. (2 Comments |Comment on this)